This might sound obvious, but men and women operate differently when it comes to sex. The average woman requires a lot more time to warm up to intimacy than the average man. For most men, physiological arousal follows psychological desire – they feel horny first, then their bodies respond by getting erections. For women, it can often be the reverse – they need to feel the physiological signs of arousal before they feel turned on. So if you feel like your boyfriend has a high sex drive and you don’t, that’s normal.
Because of this, I encourage many of my female clients to give themselves a little bit of time for foreplay. Think about your own natural rhythm: Are you usually good to go right away, or do you take some time to get turned on? Try to estimate how much time it generally takes you to get aroused, and give yourself that much time before saying “yes” or “no.”
Have Other Kinds Of Sex
Keep in mind that responding to your boyfriend’s initiations isn’t a black-or-white decision. You can say yes to kissing, massage, or foreplay, without saying yes to sex. If you’re not in the mood when your boyfriend wants to have sex, take a moment to ask yourself if there’s something else that sounds appealing to you. If you eliminate the pressure of feeling like it’s an all-or-nothing decision, you’re more likely to be open to being intimate.
Examine What Sex Means To You
A lot of my female clients have the impulse to reject sex because they feel that their partner is just looking to have an orgasm. I highly recommend taking the time to think about what sex means to you, your boyfriend, and your relationship. Encourage him to talk about it with you. Ask questions like, “Other than being horny, what motivates you to initiate sex with me?” or “What’s going through your head when we’re being intimate?”
If it truly feels like he’s using sex to essentially masturbate inside of you, that’s a different issue. But the two of you may realize that sex is sometimes about connecting with each other, spending quality time together, soothing anxiety, being playful, or giving each other pleasure. If you’re able to recognize that when your boyfriend wants sex, it also means he wants to feel close to you, that may soften up some of the resentment you feel toward him right now. And if that’s not the case? Well, then you have every right to take major issue with that.
Recognize The Importance Of Sexual Compatibility
Most people don’t value sexual compatibility enough. We give more weight to other things, like looks, money, life ambitions, and shared values. I’ve worked with lots of couples who clearly knew that they were sexually incompatible, even from the early stages of their relationships. They continued dating anyway because they didn’t think their lack of compatibility was a good enough reason to break up.
In my opinion, sexual compatibility is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. You’re never going to be on exactly the same page; sometimes you may feel that your boyfriend has a higher sex drive or wants to have sex more than you do. But every day and once every other week are pretty different. Your sex life can be improved by following the steps I’ve detailed above, but some discrepancies are just too big.
Take the time to think about whether or not this relationship is working for you. Are you sexually satisfied? Can you envision this sexual dynamic in the long term? At the end of the day, you’re the only person who can make the call about whether these differences feel surmountable or not. I wish you the best of luck.